nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
