Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
