I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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