you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
