It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
