At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
