I love black thongs
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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