Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
