Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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