dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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