help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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