I wish I could punch you in the face.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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