Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
