Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
