you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
