She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
