I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
