All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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