but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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