Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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