"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
