a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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