you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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