I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
