I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
