Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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