By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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