I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
