All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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