I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just want to make out with him forever
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
