I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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