this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
