She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
