I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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