I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
