I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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