i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
