Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
the condom got lost in my hair
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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