i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We left the knife in your bed.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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