Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
