There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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