I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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