Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
