Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
