you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
