once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
