she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
