Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Text me some of your sweat
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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