I wish I could punch you in the face.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
