Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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