There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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